Back to the future

Ever have that feeling that the future is interweaving with past and present?
Because I'm not totally happy with my status quo, I'm diligently organizing a change. Meanwhile I rediscovered a sonore element from the past that takes me back to moments in memory, that are as much painful as they are beautiful. (I read an interview with Belgian artist Bart Peeters and got an older CD of his at the library... my ex-boyfriend suddenly developed a taste for his music in the last months of our relationship)

My current status as studet at the St-Mary Institute in Antwerp didn't quite turn out as I had hoped. My co-students seem to be one more talented at drawing and designing than the other, which is normal, but they all have something in common, in my eyes at least: a never relenting aversion for effort... There's this dutch expression: 'rather lazy than tired' (quick translation :-) I think it applies to most of them. I thought, hey, they're continuing their studies in the higher educational platform in a very practical field, they must have ambition... I thought wrong.

Their alleged laziness and let's face it, sometimes stupidity - except for two members, whose names I'll keep to myself, but are noted in my mind as pleasant 'others' - makes me lose ambition and become lazy aswel. This is something I want to avoid at all costs!

Add to that the lack of infrastructure the school suffers from and the silent protest that the teachers use as a final means of influence, and you will see why my discontentment is growing. (Computer lesson are suspended till proper infrastructure is supplied... the new macs are here, now for the beamer... Real lessons start nex week... Will this make me see things more merrily? Will it make me want to stay? Or doubt again? I hate doubt...) They're just a different kind of person (most people are :-). And I'm still looking to find a crowd that meets my nature better.

And I must say, even though I'm opposed to racism and prejudice, the neighbourhood the school is located in isn't exactly all that. Lots of poor people and foreigners and frequent police surveillance... Not in the reassuring way, but in the way that makes you feel like the criminal.

So what measures am I taking? I started plowing through the fields of the internet to find an interesting job. After all, I already have a diploma, what's stopping me? And learning isn't excluded once you start working. I informed for evening school studies in the graphical field and found an interesting offer in the Academy for fine arts in Antwerp. It starts early September and lessons are given three days a week from 18 till 22h30. But hey, if I should encounter the right kind of employer, maybe he'll give me permision to take the lessons and/or practise during my hours...

I found five interesting jobs so far, that I applied for by e-mail. One I have already received a reply from. An invitation of one sentence long that said I was welcome to come and present myself at the 'interim office' (or whatever the English term is), the job house if you will :-) But the ones that are located in Brussels are going to make it pretty damn hard to make it to the lessons at 18h...

Oh right, and when am I supposed to have my dinner then? Better get a job in Antwerp then... or eat on the job or bus (handy... not!). One of the jobs I applied for was in Antwerp, though.

Am so curious to see what the future brings.

Must say my criteria make the job hunt a lot more difficult. I've had to give in in certain fields. For instance I found two in Brussels. The fact that they aren't 'full' jobs, three quarters of the full schedule or something, makes the long trip more bearable, because the hours are compensated elsewhere. Of course, the pay is probably adjusted to the schedule :-)
But hey, no mortgage yet, so :-)

Then there is one in Zaventem. A job as 'editor' for GRANDE travel magaine. Very interesting, but a long trip (an hour and a half to two hours)... but maybe I can read on the bus (luckily you can get there by simply taking two buses instead of switching to a train or something)

Next, the one in Antwerp, very nice aswel, but they didn't mention the possibility of hiring 'starters' (newly graduated folks like yours truly)...

And the one I discovered first and got invited to, in Kontich (very near my home base). Too bad it's the one that interests me least at first sight... But it might be OK. To quote a famous individual 'You never know what you're gonna get'... Oh so true. Everything can sound good on paper. Having studies advertising, one should have come to that conclusion :-)

The funny thing is that advertising attracts me a lot less than just a few months or even weeks ago. All the jobs I applied for are either editorial or communications jobs in companies, but never in advertising agencies or communications offices... Strange isn't it :-)

The commercial drive of the others just makes me feel like the pressure's going to be too big. I function well all by myself, extra stress is not needed at all.

One thing that scares me is that it doesn't seem like any employer is planning on making a big effort to teach a new employee the ways of the firm. And that's really too bad, because it increases the feeling of belonging and satisfaction, and return on investment too :-)

I think I'll stop typing now. The excitement and horror of an uncertain existence is making me tired and my head blurry. As you might have noticed, my English is a bit watery today. Or is that because stupid St-Mary doesn't seem to want to start up the language classes that were mentioned in the brochure *sigh*

And I don't wanna tell my dad I'm applying yet because I'm afraid he'll get mad... He just paid for the stuff I invested in for school (drawing materials and such) and now I'm kinda changing my mind after having put so much effort into convincing him that further graphical studies were a good idea.

I'm really not planning on leaving the idea though. I still am interested in the graphical world. It's just that I don't feel like I'm going to learn as much as I could or should in that school. Maybe self-study or evening classes would be much more productive, though one can never be sure... Oh so much uncertainty.

This morning I was figitting in Illustrator and liking it, not for too long at a time of course or you'll get a cross-eyed look on your face. And I pondered, should I stay? But then I think of all the people there, just lingering, hanging out in the school, instead of putting ambition to work and realizing stuff... Assignments and not personal scribbles, I mean. That's what they do if they make it to the school gates, instead of staying in bed after yet another rough night of party hardy...

Never thought the clash with three-years-younger folks would be so great... It makes me feel a little old :-) But not bad. I'm just me, feeling my way through life. Trying hard and hoping for the best. And attempting to have some fun in the mean time, between all the worrying and pondering.

Ok, now I'm really gone.
See you! And wish me luck!
me